Romance on Air : After thoughts or ...Random - I donno ..... :)

I'm not sure why I felt writing this to you! I'm not sure even you would be reading beyond this line but still I would write along. I'm usually good at takings things as it come and to move on. Some how even when you already made it clear that it wont't work out, I am unable to move on! Not expecting anything in return but it is always nice to have a face to admire! To tell the truth I hardly know you but somehow I feel I know you from ages. :) don't take me wrong, it might be just another un-answered conversation.
The simple law of life is 'expectation reduces joy', and i'm trying to keep expectation to a bare minimum.
Back to the point , every time I see something nice& wonderful, we feel sharing the same with most wonderful people around. It makes me feel really good when I venture into doing something for some one when you already know that they don't care:) without expecting what you would be getting back or even you will even get some. This thread came out of 20 minutes ride through mist on the shore of a silent lake at around 6:30 am and it felt like a dream. The usual unclear dream that we often see were it just leaves a smile when you wake up but doesn't give you a good idea on what made you smile!
If you had read until here, you might be wondering how random the thoughts can go...Hope you are having a wonderful time with your life. At cross roads of life, just believe that it's a big curve and it seems to us like a dead end but it's not ! It will turn out good and I am confused if i am in a circle going around and thinking that it would straighten out soon.
Best wishes XYZ!

Romance in the air - 'The End'

What happens when you are in a transe and do things from a transe is that you loose the connection with reality. After couple of days, when the romance slowly disappears thinly in the air and the hard face of life started to fill in! The mail was never replied and it again questions on the reliability of technology. The major fight once you leap is you need to land some where, weather it’s a cushioned bed or a hard stone path. So S did not leave anything un-finished, backed up with far fetched thoughts and utopian theories, he build up a good conversation check list to spark off a talk. It went mostly like this.

S: Can we meet?

N: Why?

S: I want to tell you something.

N: Type it out here, what ever you want to tell.

S: Some things are better to be told

N: it’s up to you if you want to type in or you can leave the conversation.

S: That’s a dilemma, I want to talk in person but you look un-comfortable talking in person. Look I won’t bite

N: what’s the guarantee? :)

After a good 5 to 6 minutes pause

S: I have this far fetched thought and want to check if I stand a chance?

No response from N

S: I guess this silence can be taken as a No

N: you are good at guessing, so that’s all rites?

S: Just wanted to clear the air and I hope all is well :)

S: thanks for listening & bye

So after-effects of such a leap in romance often leaves a broken heart. But S was feeling a different kind of feeling of gratitude and happiness where he was able to express himself, as it goes; you do you karma (follow you heart) and don’t think about the rest. If it was supposed to happen, it would have happened, if its otherwise, may be that was the best for both.

S & N are my fictional characters, but this would be a common conversation that would happen to any two adults trying to see if things can be matched up. Just different flavors but message would be the same and out come can be anything from a yes to silence to a good frank no

Romance in the air- 'The Begining'

You know what happens you watch so many romantic movies in a stride …..Yes you become romantic; to list a few….Serendipity, Kate & Leopod and You’ve got mail …..and you know what happens if you totally engross in the movie, you end wine up in the romantic mood …taking you to this fantasy world where everything is perfect and things work out as it would have been in a romantic story. I guess I am in such a leap now just hoping that I might land where I wish to …and the hope just keeps me going and here it goes I know I want to do and I am not sure where I might end up doing this, feels embarrassed or looks foolish or just have a wide smile pasted on my face thinking I did what I wanted to do, but my gut says to do it and see how it pans out.

Hi N,
I saw you some four months back, ( I don’t remember dates much) saying a stop sign in front of car playing around with your friends to cross the street and then you came by to say ‘hi’ with my friend when my friend came to get an envelope from me. It’s not much of the looks (yes, but obvious, you look pretty) but you know a feeling of having a lot of butterflies in your stomach with just a glance of you anywhere in my view point! There were some futile attempt to strike some conversations with you but I guess there is a reason why it turned out fruitless …and the biggest question, why I am telling this to you now; I don’t have anything close to an answer

So I am writing this to you asking
‘ Do you care for a coffee ?’

RegardsS...

PS: I prefer not to talk a lot of self talk here but I think the fear of embarrassing myself in front of some one I might see again and again every day and a fear of finger pointing saying ‘look at the fool who came up to me’ kept myself from blurting out this to you ....to Be continued

An evening soaked with tears

You might think that I cannot see – feel or talk, but the crowd always believed what they like to believe. I am standing here all alone until recently when the renovation started. Right now I have been uprooted and cut into pieces. But still I can see and feel but I never expressed. There are moments which made me wept, made me laugh and some made me think. Even broken down as pieces of wood, I wept yesterday!

The white angel was walking swiftly. The age, work and the burden of running a family hasn’t affected her charisma and style. The light jewelry and the diamond pendent made her look prettier. The pony tale knot was loosened a little bit by the end of the day and the cool breeze made it look weightless. She was having a trace of anxiety, a vibe of hastiness for some thing. I never knew that the anxiety was thought of catching her bus back to home. The hastiness was her concern for the kid who is all alone at home. It hasn’t started raining yet. The rain gods must be taking a break. The summer rain always starts by 2:00 in the after noon and it gave crowd a breath time from 5 to 6, when all are on the rush to go home.
She must be on her mid 30’s, on a white churidar with glimpses of freshness still on her face, but a days work have made look tired. She has a stylish leather hand back close to her chest and a closed umbrella on her right hand. Her sandals are already been wet on the muddy streets of Palayam (University College) She walked to the end of the bus stop looking back to check if any KSRTC bus might come this way. Lot of auto rickshaws swayed pass her, some stopped and the driver left shaking his head. Drivers might be asking an exuberant rate which cannot be accommodated in her budget or she wanted to go to some remote place where the auto rickshaw have to return empty. Time just runs fast as the lights where fading too. The rain bearing clouds didn’t help her by splashin in too soon. She repeatedly looked up the sky to see if the rain will be any harder. Her face was growing darker as the time passed. Her bindi had given up with the rain drops. It gave her temple a reddish tint look.

As if the best day of their life, there were two young boys standing on the corner of the bus stop. No female soul could pass them without being screened with their anatomical eyes. Guys must be of age 23 or 24. By looks they are well educated and the tag around their neck suggests that they work for some MNC. But their behavior suggested some thing else. Their eyes rested on the white clothed angel with a frightened face.

May be the rain and wind gods where on the guy’s side this time, it started drizzling. The rain slashes where spilled all over with a nagging wind. She tried to battle the rain and save her body with a small umbrella, it didn’t last long. The wind slashed hard with a nasty timing swift. The umbrella just broke like a feeble flower. The summer rain lashed her face with scores of rain drops. All this fight against the stormy weather where being enjoyed by the guys! With moments passing she might have cursed herself staying. She work for the treasury department. An accountant who has bundles of pension bills to pass everyday. Only the old aged came to her from far away places to get their files moved fast enough. In the most bribed department where the peon to the secretary needs commission for a single file movement, she stayed as a single un-corrupted soul. She had finished her daily pile by 4:30 itself, but the aged couple who will have to wait for another month if she doesn’t finish their file by today as it is the second last working day. The elderly couple have traveled from far off place and they where at her mercy. She thought for a moment and decided to stay another hour, but it costing her more than what she thought.
White was not the best choice for a rainy summer day! A simple gesture of kindness can cost a lot at times and for not even one moment she cursed them. Everyone has their little shre of problems and she always asked god only courage to face problems rather than less problems. Way to live, but difficult to follow.. But she is facing the uninvited challenges in her life which she brought as the cost of her kindness.

As the darkness spread in, the mind of young men also grew darker. They started walking towards the drenched angel. The cloth which is already wet was sticking on to her. Was it cold wind or the fear which made her tremble? Fear was seen in her eyes, they came near her with a devilish grin, offering her help. She didn’t respond trying to ignore them. The boys where having fun! Fear of an innocent soul can be fun for devils, but that’s the way life is!

What could I do? A tree which couldn’t save itself from the hands of renovation! I stood here for decades as shelter for many, bearing posters of red and green, watching the young souls roam around me cuddling, fighting and crying. No revolutionary came to help that angel. The mayor has announced road widening as a part of city development and I lost my life! The angel is being harassed right in front of me by two devils but I am helpless.

There are people who pass by but they are busy with their own life. Don’t anyone have trace of humanity or kindness left. All want to live their own life and if some thing happens to some one, it is ‘some-one’, why should I care? They feel the heat only when their loved once get hurt. I cried loud but my sound never came out. I think this is human nature. If they spot a pretty gal, every man venture with a devilish look until the girl comes with some security. Otherwise she should be his family. How many souls are clean that they can open up and say that they never had a bad thought of ravaging a helpless person? This is not only to a girl, it is to the helpless. Young men always make fun of elderly. For their lost agility, for their current state, but what these devils don’t realize is they will loss the charm which make them do all this. Kid you are aging every moment. Youth is not for every, it passes like a stream. You wouldn’t know when it is over. Suffering comes back with interest if traded.
Some one has interfered there! There is this auto driver stopping by asking questions to the guys. I hope the driver saw her daughter in her. He looks like a old rickshaw man. I hope this time, she is saved but how long it will take for folks to learn to live like a human? She is spared this time, but what about the next time? Will the angel help another person by staying late in such a cruel world? I shed my tears thinking about her, may she get multi folds of her kindness in her life which she already gave. May god bless the auto driver who has humanity left in his heart? I lied there waiting for my funeral; I might live in a veranda as a chair or a walking stick. My tears glands have dried, not a single drop left …….

Thoughts of the great Mahagony tree which stood proudly in front of University college right across the Sanskrit college gate. No one thanked the tree, the devils as the tree thinks, took him to the next furniture shop and his journey continues with no more tears but a numb feeling of sorrow

Corridor of life - III

Still a long way to go

The airport was as empty as my mind. Ideally I should be jumping in air with excitement but I am not! My mind wandered into what I went through. Those broken dreams! Now, at the door steps of what I want, with a confused mind! Is this what I really want?
Two years back, when I celebrated my birthday with my best friend in a candle light dinner, I was the happiest person in the world and I knew exactly what I want. But then things fell apart. The caste crept in to our affair. We were taken apart by our family. I had the most dreadful moments facing my mom and dad, answering a lot of stuff in filmy dialogs. He also had his share of problems! Left the company, moved out to a new city. I was moved to my native place. Some long distance calls between us whose frequency reduced months after months. At the beginning we talked almost each hour, thinking distance will not affect us. But time, family and distance got the best of us. Then other commitments took my time. We both found it hard to digest that we are moving apart. Yes, finally it sunk in for both of us. This birthday went dry with some phone calls which left me among the wonderful moments I had with him, fighting for the flower in icing, fighting for the end row seat in theatre, the long walks …the long drives…

Yes, the GRE coaching really had the best of me. The dynamic facilitator in the coaching centre was a great guy to be with, until he proposed me over the movie.
I don’t know what made me sit next to him when we went out. I still remember the shock I got when he suddenly asked some thing so straight, to which I gave a blank face as the answer. I have to accept, he was good but I was already committed in a way …in a broken way where I cannot think of anything else but run away from my life.
Now I have lost everything! My best friend is back where he belongs, as a drunkard, with a heavy heart and a mass of pain…wandering in some bar. Look at me, waiting for my flight to the US where I will have my MS, to a life full of dead lines, assignments where I want to immerse myself completely and forget everything, forget the past…

Does god give us a second chance? Where we can at least see that, we don’t hurt so many people and in-turn hurt ourselves. Where I can forgive myself for what I went through? It hurts…..very deep. After I complete my MS, I will end up settled abroad to some high ranking IIM dude in a luxury apartment with all gizmos around and nothing which contribute happiness to life. Family ties will end up in phone calls and video chats. Life will be a sprint where we don’t know when it abruptly ends.
Still life moves forward… I can hear my last call over the airport speakers for the flight leaving to Frankfurt. I wish, god does not have many more surprises for me in US …..

Corridor of life - II

One Rainy night

My outlook alert buzzed ‘DING’. It pulled me out of the java core class coding. It was about the status meeting scheduled after 15 minutes. Suddenly I felt the gloomy silence in the floor. Every one had left. Time is 8 50 pm. All I can hear is the rain dripping sound over the shade of our parking lot. I gazed through the translucent window at the yellow sodium vapor lamp and my mind slowly drifted away.
It is my birthday tomorrow. My boy firned just called to confirm about the candle light dinner he had arranged. I began to wonder how we will get there if it’s raining like this. Will the rain stop by the time we leave; will we end up in a road side panipuri shop as in the film minnalee? Is this rain goanna spoil my birthday treat? Too many questions to answer !!! Mind is always like that, drifting back and forth from past to future. Right now finding a solution about how to reach the restaurant in this rain. If we make it in this rain what next? What will be my gift? After that I don’t know…..

After that, a painful thought; He is a Hindu and I’m a Christian. I looked at the mail from my dad with my new id for some matrimonial site. He had sent it to check the description they had given about me. I had dreams about my matrimonial page when I was in my PUC, so many dreams which were never achieved or which would never be achieved. But now when I got my new ID, I felt so indifferent. I didn’t even feel like having a look at it. Why things are happening so sudden. If I take some bold decisions now, how I’m goanna face my sister, my mom, my Dad….my friends …Oh my head is goanna burst out with endless thoughts.
My outlook buzzed again, now the meeting, just 1 minute. I walked into the meeting room with dizzy eyes and the some printed paper. I eyed the corner seat and walked towards it looking at my watch. It’s 9:00 pm. Any way my code status will be the last things they will ask and the delivery date is on next Monday which seems very far. A usual ‘in progress’ answer will be sufficient. I had already planned for so much buffer time, so no need to hurry up things. I went back to the streams of thoughts in my head. The buffer time got stuck in my thoughts; do I have enough buffer time in my life?
Or if I have to fix a buffer time before I move to take a decision, how much time I need?
Last time I visited home, my mom was asking about my life plans, I never planned anything, it just happened to me. When my father said about starting the groom hunt, I got a shocked and the look in my eyes left my mom troubled. She enquired so deeply about everything happening in my office. I had to work hard to keep the shock away from them. But how long …….
OnsiteCordinator: Buzzz..Hello u there?
It was my onsite coordinator from US.
OC: You noticed what happened to the last code;
OC: it got crashed in the UAT in client location

So he is implementing a second internal UAT before the usual UAT. He asked about the time frame and the strength of my code. I answered plainly that it won’t crash. I didn’t think much before answering that question.
The meeting ended and I walked out.
I walked straight towards the parking lot looking for the red pulsar. I had seen a shade moving in the smoking yard, it must be him. On the walk I didn’t mind the drizzling rain, or the dinner or my marriage. All my thoughts were about the crashing code and the internal UAT. Will my code work properly …what will I do If it crashes?
What if …..My mind goes on with usual questions…..

Corridor of life - I

My sister was waiting for this journey for a long time. She seems to enjoy every moment of it. Even my mom and dad felt the same. It was the most awaited trip for me. I had planned for leave two months back when I was in resource pool doing the scrap portal work. Time just rushed away. Now at the end of long vacation of one week, a day more in ‘Nainital’ and then back to Bangalore!

Did I enjoy the trip? If I reply honestly to that, it would be a ‘No’.
I laughed, had fun with my sis, had a fight with mom about that ride at Chennai but most of the time I was living in a different world, analyzing, recalling every moment, every incident that happened around me for last four months. Where am I headed ?

When I joined our company four months back, I had excitement at its peak. Having my close class mate, my best buddy with me for my first job is what every gal would dream. The training group was a dream group with rite mix of ppl ranging from Kashmir to kanyakumari. The two months in training just flown off like a whisk of wind. So many parties, pizza hut visits, decorating our room for the Valentines Day, women’s day, birthday parties, movies and examz, tensions failures and what not!
The group I had around me was ultimate, each character of unique qualities and unique thinking, but we struck the same wave length and hence we were together all the time.

My group, the giant who speaks less, Dinesh who makes all the reasons just to get drunk and to party, Jacob who is the Mr. silent who takes care of everyone. Jacob behaves eccentrically at least once everyday, bright and cheerful sometimes and worn out and dejected the next moment. I’m meeting some one of that kind for the first time. Farook the cool and handsome ‘Sharuk’ for our batch. Then comes the ’rowdy’ looking Dhanya, its very funny to see her attitude towards anything. She takes horn on horn even with boys, and never takes an answer ‘No’. when she is around, she decides things. She is kind of ‘I know where u guys are going attitude’ all the time. Then the pretty gal of our group Priya, she is damn cute and every guy in our batch had a go at her. But she is the dumpiest person I have ever seen (might be a good actress, acting dump). She is cute, artistic and really knows to carry around the charm, but once you talk to her, u’ll realize why boys are after her. If you tell her she has only four fingers in her left hand, she will first faint and then ask which finger! She is an awesome singer and got a poetic heart. Her songs were an integral part of out night out rounds in our hostel! Then comes my best friend Lekshmy… she knows me in and out and she replies my queries when they are still in my mind. That’s the sort of communication we had.

The color full first day started with me getting a lift from one of the facilitator Nishant who came to give us class on SAP. He was a charming guy and a star in our entire group for all the gals. Tall, dark and slim…..and his smile crushed hearts like rain drops in a storm!. Gals had a gud time asking doubts in SAP r3, but I had a bad time when ever he came to our class. He owned a Honda city and invariable my name was linked to Honda! Even some ppl related into Honda bike also. But everyone knew me in our group by the name miss Honda. The anonymous rose on the Valentines Day with a Honda key chain kept me awake for weeks. The worst part was at lunch table and in group photo he came write next to me or write opposite to me everyday.i don’t know but whe some one passes by your heart, they alwys comes around you at time with a dazzling smile leaving you in a dilemma ….Y this is happening! I enjoyed it becoz every gal would have enjoyed being miss Honda. I got into the biggest mess on the group photo day where everyone assembled and waited for us. I was rushing after my lunch and Nishant had gone back to his car for something, but the group of 290 ppl was kept waiting in the audi 5 and our joined entrance into the class made the worst scene to be in. I totally blushed on that day hearing the WOOV from all my friends and don’t bother reading the numerous story about the joined entrance and the mysterious absence for lunch.

The group always had teasers and care takers and there was total harmony in the group from the beginning. But once we got out of training and joined production, things began to drift. The Dinesh and Lekshmy began to be one group who hardly talked to others and they found a new world of their own.
Then the usual line of boys with proposals and wish to make me their partner started. I’m not the ‘miss world’ kind of gal but from my PUC itself I got attention and invitation from lot of guys. But unfortunate for me no boy whom I liked crossed my way. But still I had a list of four behind my back from my engineering and after 4 months a row of seven from my company.
They really have to check their eye’s and their expectation, or they are really misjudged me. The fun part in these relations is, many from this seven were my good friends and from no where they feel I’m the one for them. I didn’t give them a slice of thought this way, but boys always take things differently. Once the answer is negative things are very bad, they become tentative in everything, keeping the same in their mind.

People change a lot on day by day. My roomie and X class mate Lekshmy who felt talking to me is one of the best way to kill time now thinks twice before striking a conversation with me.
One more forgettable thing was the break up with my Boyfriend. We had a long lasting relationship of 3 years in my engineering days and now we realized the difference we had. It took three years for us to figure it out. I cannot blame everything on him but still I feel I’m better out of it. Now the X feels he was mistaken to meet me. How ridiculous!

I realized the loneliness in which I’m living only after coming here. Missing my family, my mom’s dosa and aviyal ! Those fights I had with my sister, my two-wheeler back home. Here I’m struggling with commands and dead lines which mean nothing to my life. Only on salary day I feel like living and every other day slogging out scrap lines of code which has to be changed thrice before each line is added. Why is life like this?

My mind drifted through the last one week, my new cubicle, the sweet eccentric guy who always find time and reason to tease me! He is such an eccentric guy (Nikhil). He is a stubborn and determined person and he achieves what he dreams. I admired him from the day I met him, always took all the things lightly and kept a cool head. But a chain smoker and a great ‘tank’ in case of beers. Last one week I realized I’m missing him more than I thought I would. All through the journey I had dreamt of next Monday, I’ll back in my cubi and Nikhil will come give me the peculiar smiley and a good morning. Oh just the thought of it drives me crazy!!! When did he have a place in my heart?
I couldn’t make out how rational our mind works when we like and dislike some one. Still I’m wondering what made my mind think like this. My heart burns when he refuses to come to lunch with me and sticks to his cubicle sleeping and working. Why can’t he open his mind to me? He is so happy to tease his cubicle mate (Licy). Tease me na!!!!!


Oh god where am I going … If the other seven candidates know about the new winner of my heart! Oh God I don’t know what will happen. My sister is calling me from stairs. She is all packed up for boating in Ninital. I have to find a wayto open my mind after going back to Nikhil, I can’t loose him like this…... A try should will be better than repenting about it after years. But will I be happy if he says no or yes! What if he says a YES ....Am i looking forward for that.

In this corridor I’m moving ahead with lot of expectation from my friends and care takers. Many often broke my heart but still I will love them becoz I’m bad at repeating the mistakes……My complex mind is making it tougher to make a decision...I'll go ahead as gud as it gets and take things the way it comes ....