Corridor of life - III

Still a long way to go

The airport was as empty as my mind. Ideally I should be jumping in air with excitement but I am not! My mind wandered into what I went through. Those broken dreams! Now, at the door steps of what I want, with a confused mind! Is this what I really want?
Two years back, when I celebrated my birthday with my best friend in a candle light dinner, I was the happiest person in the world and I knew exactly what I want. But then things fell apart. The caste crept in to our affair. We were taken apart by our family. I had the most dreadful moments facing my mom and dad, answering a lot of stuff in filmy dialogs. He also had his share of problems! Left the company, moved out to a new city. I was moved to my native place. Some long distance calls between us whose frequency reduced months after months. At the beginning we talked almost each hour, thinking distance will not affect us. But time, family and distance got the best of us. Then other commitments took my time. We both found it hard to digest that we are moving apart. Yes, finally it sunk in for both of us. This birthday went dry with some phone calls which left me among the wonderful moments I had with him, fighting for the flower in icing, fighting for the end row seat in theatre, the long walks …the long drives…

Yes, the GRE coaching really had the best of me. The dynamic facilitator in the coaching centre was a great guy to be with, until he proposed me over the movie.
I don’t know what made me sit next to him when we went out. I still remember the shock I got when he suddenly asked some thing so straight, to which I gave a blank face as the answer. I have to accept, he was good but I was already committed in a way …in a broken way where I cannot think of anything else but run away from my life.
Now I have lost everything! My best friend is back where he belongs, as a drunkard, with a heavy heart and a mass of pain…wandering in some bar. Look at me, waiting for my flight to the US where I will have my MS, to a life full of dead lines, assignments where I want to immerse myself completely and forget everything, forget the past…

Does god give us a second chance? Where we can at least see that, we don’t hurt so many people and in-turn hurt ourselves. Where I can forgive myself for what I went through? It hurts…..very deep. After I complete my MS, I will end up settled abroad to some high ranking IIM dude in a luxury apartment with all gizmos around and nothing which contribute happiness to life. Family ties will end up in phone calls and video chats. Life will be a sprint where we don’t know when it abruptly ends.
Still life moves forward… I can hear my last call over the airport speakers for the flight leaving to Frankfurt. I wish, god does not have many more surprises for me in US …..

Corridor of life - II

One Rainy night

My outlook alert buzzed ‘DING’. It pulled me out of the java core class coding. It was about the status meeting scheduled after 15 minutes. Suddenly I felt the gloomy silence in the floor. Every one had left. Time is 8 50 pm. All I can hear is the rain dripping sound over the shade of our parking lot. I gazed through the translucent window at the yellow sodium vapor lamp and my mind slowly drifted away.
It is my birthday tomorrow. My boy firned just called to confirm about the candle light dinner he had arranged. I began to wonder how we will get there if it’s raining like this. Will the rain stop by the time we leave; will we end up in a road side panipuri shop as in the film minnalee? Is this rain goanna spoil my birthday treat? Too many questions to answer !!! Mind is always like that, drifting back and forth from past to future. Right now finding a solution about how to reach the restaurant in this rain. If we make it in this rain what next? What will be my gift? After that I don’t know…..

After that, a painful thought; He is a Hindu and I’m a Christian. I looked at the mail from my dad with my new id for some matrimonial site. He had sent it to check the description they had given about me. I had dreams about my matrimonial page when I was in my PUC, so many dreams which were never achieved or which would never be achieved. But now when I got my new ID, I felt so indifferent. I didn’t even feel like having a look at it. Why things are happening so sudden. If I take some bold decisions now, how I’m goanna face my sister, my mom, my Dad….my friends …Oh my head is goanna burst out with endless thoughts.
My outlook buzzed again, now the meeting, just 1 minute. I walked into the meeting room with dizzy eyes and the some printed paper. I eyed the corner seat and walked towards it looking at my watch. It’s 9:00 pm. Any way my code status will be the last things they will ask and the delivery date is on next Monday which seems very far. A usual ‘in progress’ answer will be sufficient. I had already planned for so much buffer time, so no need to hurry up things. I went back to the streams of thoughts in my head. The buffer time got stuck in my thoughts; do I have enough buffer time in my life?
Or if I have to fix a buffer time before I move to take a decision, how much time I need?
Last time I visited home, my mom was asking about my life plans, I never planned anything, it just happened to me. When my father said about starting the groom hunt, I got a shocked and the look in my eyes left my mom troubled. She enquired so deeply about everything happening in my office. I had to work hard to keep the shock away from them. But how long …….
OnsiteCordinator: Buzzz..Hello u there?
It was my onsite coordinator from US.
OC: You noticed what happened to the last code;
OC: it got crashed in the UAT in client location

So he is implementing a second internal UAT before the usual UAT. He asked about the time frame and the strength of my code. I answered plainly that it won’t crash. I didn’t think much before answering that question.
The meeting ended and I walked out.
I walked straight towards the parking lot looking for the red pulsar. I had seen a shade moving in the smoking yard, it must be him. On the walk I didn’t mind the drizzling rain, or the dinner or my marriage. All my thoughts were about the crashing code and the internal UAT. Will my code work properly …what will I do If it crashes?
What if …..My mind goes on with usual questions…..

Corridor of life - I

My sister was waiting for this journey for a long time. She seems to enjoy every moment of it. Even my mom and dad felt the same. It was the most awaited trip for me. I had planned for leave two months back when I was in resource pool doing the scrap portal work. Time just rushed away. Now at the end of long vacation of one week, a day more in ‘Nainital’ and then back to Bangalore!

Did I enjoy the trip? If I reply honestly to that, it would be a ‘No’.
I laughed, had fun with my sis, had a fight with mom about that ride at Chennai but most of the time I was living in a different world, analyzing, recalling every moment, every incident that happened around me for last four months. Where am I headed ?

When I joined our company four months back, I had excitement at its peak. Having my close class mate, my best buddy with me for my first job is what every gal would dream. The training group was a dream group with rite mix of ppl ranging from Kashmir to kanyakumari. The two months in training just flown off like a whisk of wind. So many parties, pizza hut visits, decorating our room for the Valentines Day, women’s day, birthday parties, movies and examz, tensions failures and what not!
The group I had around me was ultimate, each character of unique qualities and unique thinking, but we struck the same wave length and hence we were together all the time.

My group, the giant who speaks less, Dinesh who makes all the reasons just to get drunk and to party, Jacob who is the Mr. silent who takes care of everyone. Jacob behaves eccentrically at least once everyday, bright and cheerful sometimes and worn out and dejected the next moment. I’m meeting some one of that kind for the first time. Farook the cool and handsome ‘Sharuk’ for our batch. Then comes the ’rowdy’ looking Dhanya, its very funny to see her attitude towards anything. She takes horn on horn even with boys, and never takes an answer ‘No’. when she is around, she decides things. She is kind of ‘I know where u guys are going attitude’ all the time. Then the pretty gal of our group Priya, she is damn cute and every guy in our batch had a go at her. But she is the dumpiest person I have ever seen (might be a good actress, acting dump). She is cute, artistic and really knows to carry around the charm, but once you talk to her, u’ll realize why boys are after her. If you tell her she has only four fingers in her left hand, she will first faint and then ask which finger! She is an awesome singer and got a poetic heart. Her songs were an integral part of out night out rounds in our hostel! Then comes my best friend Lekshmy… she knows me in and out and she replies my queries when they are still in my mind. That’s the sort of communication we had.

The color full first day started with me getting a lift from one of the facilitator Nishant who came to give us class on SAP. He was a charming guy and a star in our entire group for all the gals. Tall, dark and slim…..and his smile crushed hearts like rain drops in a storm!. Gals had a gud time asking doubts in SAP r3, but I had a bad time when ever he came to our class. He owned a Honda city and invariable my name was linked to Honda! Even some ppl related into Honda bike also. But everyone knew me in our group by the name miss Honda. The anonymous rose on the Valentines Day with a Honda key chain kept me awake for weeks. The worst part was at lunch table and in group photo he came write next to me or write opposite to me everyday.i don’t know but whe some one passes by your heart, they alwys comes around you at time with a dazzling smile leaving you in a dilemma ….Y this is happening! I enjoyed it becoz every gal would have enjoyed being miss Honda. I got into the biggest mess on the group photo day where everyone assembled and waited for us. I was rushing after my lunch and Nishant had gone back to his car for something, but the group of 290 ppl was kept waiting in the audi 5 and our joined entrance into the class made the worst scene to be in. I totally blushed on that day hearing the WOOV from all my friends and don’t bother reading the numerous story about the joined entrance and the mysterious absence for lunch.

The group always had teasers and care takers and there was total harmony in the group from the beginning. But once we got out of training and joined production, things began to drift. The Dinesh and Lekshmy began to be one group who hardly talked to others and they found a new world of their own.
Then the usual line of boys with proposals and wish to make me their partner started. I’m not the ‘miss world’ kind of gal but from my PUC itself I got attention and invitation from lot of guys. But unfortunate for me no boy whom I liked crossed my way. But still I had a list of four behind my back from my engineering and after 4 months a row of seven from my company.
They really have to check their eye’s and their expectation, or they are really misjudged me. The fun part in these relations is, many from this seven were my good friends and from no where they feel I’m the one for them. I didn’t give them a slice of thought this way, but boys always take things differently. Once the answer is negative things are very bad, they become tentative in everything, keeping the same in their mind.

People change a lot on day by day. My roomie and X class mate Lekshmy who felt talking to me is one of the best way to kill time now thinks twice before striking a conversation with me.
One more forgettable thing was the break up with my Boyfriend. We had a long lasting relationship of 3 years in my engineering days and now we realized the difference we had. It took three years for us to figure it out. I cannot blame everything on him but still I feel I’m better out of it. Now the X feels he was mistaken to meet me. How ridiculous!

I realized the loneliness in which I’m living only after coming here. Missing my family, my mom’s dosa and aviyal ! Those fights I had with my sister, my two-wheeler back home. Here I’m struggling with commands and dead lines which mean nothing to my life. Only on salary day I feel like living and every other day slogging out scrap lines of code which has to be changed thrice before each line is added. Why is life like this?

My mind drifted through the last one week, my new cubicle, the sweet eccentric guy who always find time and reason to tease me! He is such an eccentric guy (Nikhil). He is a stubborn and determined person and he achieves what he dreams. I admired him from the day I met him, always took all the things lightly and kept a cool head. But a chain smoker and a great ‘tank’ in case of beers. Last one week I realized I’m missing him more than I thought I would. All through the journey I had dreamt of next Monday, I’ll back in my cubi and Nikhil will come give me the peculiar smiley and a good morning. Oh just the thought of it drives me crazy!!! When did he have a place in my heart?
I couldn’t make out how rational our mind works when we like and dislike some one. Still I’m wondering what made my mind think like this. My heart burns when he refuses to come to lunch with me and sticks to his cubicle sleeping and working. Why can’t he open his mind to me? He is so happy to tease his cubicle mate (Licy). Tease me na!!!!!


Oh god where am I going … If the other seven candidates know about the new winner of my heart! Oh God I don’t know what will happen. My sister is calling me from stairs. She is all packed up for boating in Ninital. I have to find a wayto open my mind after going back to Nikhil, I can’t loose him like this…... A try should will be better than repenting about it after years. But will I be happy if he says no or yes! What if he says a YES ....Am i looking forward for that.

In this corridor I’m moving ahead with lot of expectation from my friends and care takers. Many often broke my heart but still I will love them becoz I’m bad at repeating the mistakes……My complex mind is making it tougher to make a decision...I'll go ahead as gud as it gets and take things the way it comes ....